


The Captain of Her Own Ship

by CalDemigoddess



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 15:03:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14751141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalDemigoddess/pseuds/CalDemigoddess
Summary: It started as a way to work through anxiety. She'd write down all of the ways something could go wrong, then a proof of why it would never happen; like a logic check.





	The Captain of Her Own Ship

It started as a way to work through anxiety. She'd write down all of the ways something could go wrong, then a proof of why it would never happen; like a logic check. She sometimes used it to workshop new feelings before they were ready for her sister or mom.

Later it became a way to deal with other sources of stress. Still thought experiments, but more of a way to control possibly disastrous impulses. Working through the angles and possible outcomes reinforced good behaviors (space, distraction) and mitigated disasters (running her hand through her partner's hair). It worked better on things that mattered. If she ever got to "it doesn't really matter long-term," all bets were off. Sometimes a girl just needed to make some mistakes. 

In 2011 she began exploring more hypotheses than anxieties. Partly because she was thinking more about life after, and partly because she needed to let herself dream a little. It was easier to think of these hypotheses as fictions loosely based on real people than a thought experiment for her own life. She'd have a thought, "Hmm. What would life look like if this happened?" Just like one the ice they were characters telling a story. She just happened to be very familiar with their motivations and thought processes. 

Then she joined Twitter. Seeing how much people lived their work, (mostly) cared for their well-being, and wondered what was happening with them made her wonder too. She'd read some "fanfic" (is that what they call it?). Some were different enough for her to enjoy; some were outlandishly unrealistic; some made her sentimental; and some made her so enraged she had to set the record straight. She'd always change enough to not raise suspicion. But she couldn't let the best version of her story be so far off. 

It opened her eyes to how intensely fans (could they still be fans if they seemed to think she was evil?) scrutinized everything she did. She began to take more control of the narrative. She tried to guide the fans into the story she wanted them to believe. She'd gotten pretty good at it by the time they announced their return to competition. 

Real life was good, so she needed to hypothesize less and less. She only really checked in to see how their narrative was playing. That is, until after. After "gorgeous green" and "I don't like turning my back on you" among the many others. She's strictly an observer now. There is no controlling this ship. There are so many different stories (hypotheses) now that she doesn't even really need to write through her own. She just searches until she finds a few that fit her current concerns, then finds comfort in the many ways real life is so much better.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this sometime in April between Nivea captions and smile credits. 
> 
> Same name on Tumblr


End file.
